Depression and Reading

Well, I'm sure you have noticed a long hiatus on the blog. It's not the first time it has happened and it probably won't be the last time. I have to admit that while I've spoken about my fertility problems on the blog I haven't much discussed the fact that I have depression. 

I was diagnosed in first year of university and I can remember not being motivated to go to class at all for an entire 2 months. I was given some medication without much discussion of alternative options and being naive I took the pills. They were horrible. I became an insomniac and I just didn't feel like myself. They helped me to get out of a funk but as soon as my refills were done I quit them cold turkey. I would not recommend this to anyone. I had side effects and withdrawal symptoms for at least a month. Since then I have tried to manage my depression with exercise, walking, and not staying cooped up in the house for too long. This summer I did a very good job of staving it off. I took the summer to do what I wanted to do or to do the things that I kept saying I would do during the summer while I was off. I hiked, went canoeing along the canal, went camping, did yoga and bootcamp at Parliament Hill and I took up running. Things were going incredibly well and my reading was on point. I was reading everything I could during the summer and I was listening to audiobooks as I walked. 

Then September hit and well my motivation became a little bit less little by little. My class this year is a bit more challenging than previous years and this made it difficult to manage stress. D and I also began our IVF (invitro fertilization) journey. We started a cycle and unfortunately it was cancelled before we even got to the egg retrieval process. Apparently my body is just as stubborn as I am and the drugs were not doing what they were supposed to be doing. I should say that IVF is our last chance at having children. We have been in limbo for far too long so we always said that we would try once and then move on with our life and try to be happy regardless of the outcome. It felt like we got cheated out of our attempt. We have since decided that we will try one more time. With all of this going on, I have been finding myself very unmotivated to do anything. This includes reading and blogging. I have contemplated quitting blogging altogether but every time I do I cringe because that would mean leaving something I ultimately enjoy doing and also leaving the community. I love being a part of the community. I love sharing what I love and talking about books and adding to my never ending TBR. 

I did have to sit down and make some decisions though. My TBR is slightly out of control. Yes, yes I know that we all have insane TBRs but when I say out of control I'd approximate I have no less than 800 books here on my shelves sitting unread. I have made the choice to read what I want to read. I will no longer be accepting ARCs unless it's something that I have wanted for a long time and that I can guarantee that I will read before the release date. I would like to take this opportunity to apologize to all publishers who still do not have reviews for the books they sent me. I just haven't been able to find the energy or motivation to read. I have been walking around like a zombie trying to pretend to be my normal self. I do promise that they will get read but they will get read and reviewed as I am able to do so. My focus for the next six months at least is to not bring many books into my home. I will not promise never to go to the bookstore and buy books because we all know this is slightly ridiculous for me but I will promise not to buy multiple books just because they look kind of interesting. I will be reading from my shelves and I want to see how many books I can cull this way. 

I also want to read what I feel like reading at the time. If it's a YA contemporary great. If it's an adult literary fiction novel, great. I will be reviewing what I read as much as possible. 

I am hoping that you my fellow readers will bare with me while I try to keep my depression at bay. It's frustrating for me but I must fight ahead and do what I can. Thank you for your continued support over Twitter and via comments. They mean more to me than you can know. 

Happy Reading!