Babies, Babies, Babies

So today's post is going to be a personal one so if you aren't into that kind of thing, I understand but you may want to skip this post. 

Over the past few months I have been dealing with some issues that have been making things very difficult to stay motivated.  All my life I have worked with children in many different facets.  I started out by babysitting when I was quite young and then started working with the special education department at my high school.  I then went on to work at an overnight camp for children with physical and cognitive disabilities.  I did that for a couple years and then went on to work one-on-one with children with autism.  I have always known that I wanted to be an elementary school teacher and I am happy to say that after many years of hard work I finally have a permanent position teaching Grade 1 French.

All this to say that working with children is a passion of mine.  As you can imagine, I have wanted to be a mother since forever.  My husband and I got married 2 years ago and last summer we made the decision to start trying to have a baby.  I went off the pill and was excited that the possibility of being a mom was just around the corner.  A few months passed and I still didn't get my period.  Another few months passed and it still wasn't here.   I mean I don't usually look forward to that time of the month but after 6 months of it not coming and I was starting to get a little anxious.  I went to visit my doctor and she did a few tests on me including an ultrasound and suspected that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).  For those of you who aren't familiar with this, it is a condition where you have many small cysts on your ovaries which can affect your hormone levels in your body causing you to not ovulate. 

My doctor referred me to the local fertility clinic, where I was given some more tests (blood work, ultrasounds- yes more than one).  It was confirmed that I have PCOS and that we were going to work together to try to get my body to ovulate.  I have been given clomid, a drug to help me ovulate. 

The first round on this drug, I was very hopeful that I would take the drug and things would work out the way they were supposed to and then I would have a good chance of being pregnant soon.  Much to my dismay, during an ultrasound to track my follicles, I found out I more than likely wasn't going to ovulate.  A week later it was confirmed that I didn't ovulate and we would have to try round two.  Now keep in mind, I went off the pill July 2012 and this first round of clomid was done in June. I have to admit that while I know these things don't always work out on the first try I was very upset.  I have had a tough upbringing and while I don't mind working hard for the things that I want, I just wanted this to be easy.  I wanted it to happen naturally and I didn't want to have to stress over it. 

I am currently on my second round of clomid and I went for my ultrasound on Wednesday.  I found out that while my follicles have grown, they may not grow big enough for ovulation to occur.  I will keep plugging away at it but all this to say that I have been feeling a little down lately.

I am trying my best to stay positive but it's definitely not always easy.  I don't mind sharing and at times I overshare. I think that my defense mechanism is to make light of the situation. If I don't make it a big deal with other people then it distracts me from thinking about it.  There are days when all I want to do is sit at home in my pyjamas and have a little cry.  I keep thinking of worst case scenarios and let me tell you- Google is not your friend.  You can find all the worst case scenarios there.  It has been difficult for me to think of the what if- What if I am not able to have to a child?  Is that really the end of the world? Could I be okay with that?

Well, I know this is quite the depressing blog post but I just wanted to share with you where I'm at right now.  I am trying to keep on top of the blog but June was definitely a tough month for me.  One thing that has meant the world to me is the book blogging community.  There is always someone there to talk to and to get my mind off things.  It is full of support and there is always someone there to make me smile.  Thank you for your continued support and I hope that I'm back in a few months from now telling you that I'm expecting a child.